Ask Alexandra: Who Can Wear Strapless Dresses?

Three examples of people looking terrible in strapless dresses: Paula Abdul's (left) shoulders are too small and bony, plus her dress is lopsided, Debbi Morgan (center) has armpit muffin top and the top is not shapely enough, Jane Lynch's (right) dress looks like it is falling off her, and makes her look like she has sagging boobs.

Since people are probably thinking about what they are going to wear on New Year’s Eve, I thought this might be a good time to address the strapless dress issue. And this will also be useful for all the ladies who get engaged over the holidays, and are tempted by a strapless meringue for their summer wedding.

Hi Alexandra,

I couldn’t agree more with your opinion on strapless dresses and how they are overrated and boring and how not everyone can pull them off. You say that not all women have the ‘shoulders’ to wear them, I may be green about this but what exactly does that mean? And who in your opinion possess good shoulders?

Very curious,
Allison

Three examples of ladies who look amazing in a strapless dress, from left to right: Heidi Klum, Katerina Graham, and Taylor Swift.

Hi Allison,

There are a few important qualities you need to have in order to get away with a strapless dress. Firstly, you need to have nicely shaped and defined shoulders, collarbone area, neck, and upper back (good looking shoulder blades is a plus, too.) This means that they are toned/visible, but not bulging out in an anorexic type of way. Secondly, you need to have no armpit muffin top, or whatever you call that muffin top situation you get when you are wearing a strapless top too tight. That looks terrible. Another very scary thing is boobs falling or sticking out of the top of the dress. A little cleavage is good, but half melons sticking out and nipples dangerously close to being on show are not. Lastly, you need to have nice arms and a slender, long neck.

Strapless dress/jumpsuit disasters, from left to right. Courtney Love looking far too emaciated to be wearing strapless, Tara Reid doing the half melon boobs scenario which looks terrible, and Tyra Banks with back armpit muffin top and boobs that are way too big for strapless.

When you are buying a strapless dress, you need to make sure it isn’t too tight (or you end up with armpit muffin top) or too loose. Fit is very important. The distance between your shoulders and the top of the dress can’t be too long, if not, it looks like you have sagging boobs. The dress also needs to be fitted along the top (this may sounds like a no brainer, but there are lots of strapless dresses that come away from the body at the top. That is just dodgy.) Finally, you simply cannot wear strapless if you have a very large chest, if not, you risk looking like the car crash that was Kim Kardashian on her wedding day.

More ladies looking good in strapless, from left to right: Brooklyn Decker, Eva Longoria Parker, and Cameron Diaz.

It might sounds like a lot of requirements, but to get away with any revealing items of clothing, you need to have a good body to reveal. People with flabby stomachs or fat legs don’t (or shouldn’t) wear crop tops or mini skirts. Strapless has the same rules, if you are revealing your upper body and shoulders, you had better hope they look good.

Of course some people wear these things, even if they don’t have any nice body parts to show off. That’s called gutsy, poorly dressed, or someone who doesn’t care what other people think of them. Which is fine by me, but just don’t expect a compliment.

Three more strapless dress fiascos, from left to right: Archie Panjabi's dress is way too low on her torse and is lopsided, Jenna Ushkovitz's arms are too fat, and Michelle Williams has armpit muffin top.

Please note the above images are ONLY examples of good/bad strapless dress situations. I am not endorsing the dresses or celebrities in the good photos, as I generally dislike most strapless dresses and these are no exception. Further reading on my hatred for all that is strapless.

All images from Go Fug Yourself.