Loathe: Stolen Uggs

This is a sign I noticed in the changeroom at my bikram yoga class. Someone has had a pair of Ugg boots stolen from the changeroom.

What’s wrong with this picture?

Firstly, the boots were “taken” on Easter Sunday. That was April 4th. This is Vancouver. There is no snow in Vancouver in April. The yoga studio is in Kitsilano (obviously) which is nowhere near a mountain or ski slope. So why in the hell would you be wearing Ugg boots in April? The ONLY acceptable time to wear Uggs is if you are in the mountains and they are your “crappy chalet boots.” The ones you wear to put out the garbage, WHILE you’re staying at a chalet in the mountains, when it is cold and the ground is covered in snow. That is the ONLY acceptable time to wear Uggs. Not on Easter Sunday on a snow-free street in Vancouver.

Secondly, the boots are described as “almost new,” which implies they weren’t bought five years ago when Ugg boots were cool for about five milliseconds. Do people still buy Ugg boots? This is a travesty. They are over. Done. Do not buy Ugg boots unless you need them to take out the garbage, at your chalet, surrounded by snow.

Lastly, which is the most shocking, is that these boots were stolen. Who would steal someone’s used, sweaty, ugly Ugg boots? The only reasonable explanation for this theft is that the thief was a “fashion savior” attempting to save the boot’s owner from the embarrassment of walking out of a bikram yoga studio in Kitsilano on a beautiful Easter Sunday wearing Ugg boots. The thief was doing us all a favour, releasing the owner from the burden of owning a pair of the second most un-fashionable shoes in the world (Crocs are the most unfashionable), and sparing us the eyesore of having to see yet another pair of Ugg boots being worn out of mountain/chalet context.

I’d like to suggest we pool together and offer the thief a reward, for their services to fashion, under the condition that they destroy the boots, or give them to a poor chalet owner who has no boots to wear whilst taking out the garbage. Anyone want to contribute?

Ugg boots: only to be worn whilst taking out the garbage at your chalet. Photo from uggaustralia.com.